I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
