Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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