I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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