I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize