Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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