you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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