I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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