miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
