I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
