You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
