life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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