I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
