Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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