watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
