after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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