He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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