one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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