Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
