I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
