i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
