don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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