I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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