I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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