The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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