This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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