Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
