I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
