yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
