Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize