Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize