i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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