there's paper in my vomit.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
