Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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