Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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