I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
