Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What drink are we having for lunch?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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