i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
