How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize