I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
