i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
