if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
