it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
