I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize