So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
