Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
