I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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