sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
