like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
