So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
