we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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