You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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