Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
