and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
