She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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