Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
