Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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