He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
