Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
