we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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