He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
