her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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